Thought things through. Pretty thoroughly too. I miss my life. The one where I had months where I could go to school and not worry about tests, exams, teachers and parents alike breathing down my neck. I miss my class, my cca, the people that were with me and the ones that still are. I'm lucky to have all that I have. Especially the ones that made the choice to stick by me, even though I know at times that trust and faith was tested.

Sometimes, I can't help wondering what other people think of me. What they say of me behind my back. Aren't you curious, whether good or bad, when someone looks in your direction but quickly turns around pretending to be preoccupied? Or people suddenly laughing for no apparent reason other than sharing a little joke amongst themselves and totally not including you? I hate the feeling of exclusion, and have recently realized that I've been doing that to one too many people. Sorry dears. :( Do what you want others to do to you. Every time I remember talking about someone behind their back, dissing them or even just agreeing with a friend's diss, I feel kinda bad. Nobody wants anyone else to be talking bad about them, even though ignorance is bliss. I would hate for it to happen to me. I, after all, have first hand experience of it all.

I was watching Ruby on the style network recently, and it was showing the advertisement of the episode of her forgetting her whole childhood, and that set me thinking about my own. I'm only like 19 this year, but I can't really remember much in primary school. I remember stuff like what the building was like, the walks I took around the school, the bookshops, new and old. Even some of my class life in pri 6 I still remembered. Other then that, everything is just a blur. I always assumed that I did terrible in my lower primary, causing me to drop from B to D to finally E (in class) But according to my results book, I was doing well, As and Bs, even for chinese. Mummy always said that I was pretty competitive with my friends, and then one day, it all just stopped. She also told me I was bullied, and I came home sad about it, but refused to tell her who. *shakes head* I was exactly who I am now, keeping all my feelings to myself. I supposed i didn't want to get in trouble if my mum did report the person. But was that traumatic enough for me to forget my childhood? Honestly. Even pictures can't really bring back any memories. *sigh*

Gotta go sleep now. I'm supposed to meet Beryl and Chaying at JP to watch Ironman 2 at 2. Lol.

Cheers :D

Labels: Ranting

You know sometimes when you think you know someone prreeetttyy well? And then something happens that kinda blows you away, and you go "Wwwwhhhhaaaa?" Well folks, that's what happened to me today. I've been told so many things so many times that I thought the situation would be still ongoing. Yeah. How wrong was I. Seriously. I have never felt so.....argh....I dunno. I can't really think about it right now. All I wanted to be was a good friend. Or at least present the vague idea of what I thought a friend should be. I never had many friends that stayed with me, all the way until now (and I love all you peeps for it :) ) I never had someone sit me down and listen to my problems, listen to my likes, my dislikes. I just don't think I know anything definitive anymore. I've put so much of myself out there that when I get pushed back, it hurts. It hurts bad.

I don't think I can do it anymore. To do so much for people that I don't think I know anymore. I try so hard. But it's hard. I knew that it would not be easy. I knew that it would be tough. I knew I had to be tough. But there's only so much I can do before I break down. Before I fall and can never pull myself up again. My friends and family are the only important things to me (other than the Man Upstairs of course. :) ). I put everything I have to make it work. But, sometimes it doesn't work out.

It usually never works out.

I'll just stop trying altogether. I can't put up this facade, pretending that everything's always alright. I can't listen to other people's feelings when I'm too busy trying to calm mine.

You know what? Some people I know got it right. They never left anything phase them. Never let anything on the outside hurt their inside. One person once told me not to let other people's actions and feelings affect my mind. She might never know how much her advice means to me, especially since we rarely meet up at all now. But for what it's worth, THANKS. :D

I'm just going to be in the backseat now. Not initiate anything anymore. It just takes too much energy. I'll probably just devote it to job-searching. Anything to keep my mind off what I have inside.

Labels: Ranting

Thought things through. Pretty thoroughly too. I miss my life. The one where I had months where I could go to school and not worry about tests, exams, teachers and parents alike breathing down my neck. I miss my class, my cca, the people that were with me and the ones that still are. I'm lucky to have all that I have. Especially the ones that made the choice to stick by me, even though I know at times that trust and faith was tested.

Sometimes, I can't help wondering what other people think of me. What they say of me behind my back. Aren't you curious, whether good or bad, when someone looks in your direction but quickly turns around pretending to be preoccupied? Or people suddenly laughing for no apparent reason other than sharing a little joke amongst themselves and totally not including you? I hate the feeling of exclusion, and have recently realized that I've been doing that to one too many people. Sorry dears. :( Do what you want others to do to you. Every time I remember talking about someone behind their back, dissing them or even just agreeing with a friend's diss, I feel kinda bad. Nobody wants anyone else to be talking bad about them, even though ignorance is bliss. I would hate for it to happen to me. I, after all, have first hand experience of it all.

I was watching Ruby on the style network recently, and it was showing the advertisement of the episode of her forgetting her whole childhood, and that set me thinking about my own. I'm only like 19 this year, but I can't really remember much in primary school. I remember stuff like what the building was like, the walks I took around the school, the bookshops, new and old. Even some of my class life in pri 6 I still remembered. Other then that, everything is just a blur. I always assumed that I did terrible in my lower primary, causing me to drop from B to D to finally E (in class) But according to my results book, I was doing well, As and Bs, even for chinese. Mummy always said that I was pretty competitive with my friends, and then one day, it all just stopped. She also told me I was bullied, and I came home sad about it, but refused to tell her who. *shakes head* I was exactly who I am now, keeping all my feelings to myself. I supposed i didn't want to get in trouble if my mum did report the person. But was that traumatic enough for me to forget my childhood? Honestly. Even pictures can't really bring back any memories. *sigh*

Gotta go sleep now. I'm supposed to meet Beryl and Chaying at JP to watch Ironman 2 at 2. Lol.

Cheers :D

Labels: Ranting