I gotta study for my FTT but it's like so confusing. I'm doing the book and it tells me one thing, but my teacher tells me another??? Weird man.


Speaking of weird, I was watching the Brady Bunch on HBO recently, and to quote a phrase from the movie, it was like, totally, 'far out'. The Brady Bunch are like a whole lot of silly people floating in their own bubble oblivious to the people around them. Funny. Really, on a whole psychotic kind of level. LOLOL
Got this off an email my mum sent me quite long back.

EASY                               DIFFICULT              
                                                                       
Easy is to judge others poorly    Difficult is to recognize our own     
                                 mistakes / weaknesses & learn from them
                                                                       
Easy is to talk without thinking  Difficult is to refrain the tongue    
                                                                       
Easy is to hurt another's         Difficult is to heal the wound... and 
feelings                          to forgive those who hurt our feelings
                                                                       
Easy  to say sorry without        Difficult is to be truly remorseful & 
meaning it                        ask for forgiveness                   
                                                                       
Easy is to set rules              Difficult is to follow rules          
                                                                       
Easy is to dream                  Difficult is to fight for a dream...and
                                 realize it                            
                                                                       
Easy is to show victory           Difficult is to assume defeat with    
                                 dignity...                            
                                                                       
Easy is to admire                 Difficult to see the other side...    
                                                                       
Easy is to stumble                Difficult is to get up and try again  
                                 and again to reach one's goal ...     
                                                                       
                                                                       
                                                                       
Easy is to make promises          Difficult is to fulfill all our       
                                 promises...                           
                                                                       
Easy is to say we love            Difficult is to truly love, ie        
                                 unconditionally ...                   
                                                                       
Easy is to criticize others       Difficult  to accept criticisms from  
                                 others about us or our loved ones...  
                                                                       
Easy is to make mistakes          Difficult to admit our mistakes       
                                                                       
Easy is to weep for a lost love.  Difficult is to take care of it so not
                                 to lose it.                           
                                                                       
Easy is to think about improving  Difficult is to stop thinking & start 
                                 taking steps to improve...            
                                                                       
Easy is to think bad of others    Difficult is to give others the benefit
                                 of the doubt...                       
                                                                       
Easy is to receive                Difficult is to give                  
                                                                       
Easy to read this message         Difficult to follow the good advice     

Just watched a youtube video about Gay rights on the Tyra Banks Show. I've read all the comments for the for and the against, and I've got to say, that I feel that's it's gonna be one big battle that's probably not going to end anytime soon.

I dunno.

It's all so.....heated.

I agree with some people's points (both for and against) and don't like some comments that each side made too. I just pray that something like that would not come into my little country. We probably wouldn't be able to handle the stress of it. I know we cannot. Singapore has to remain neutral, and fair to all. But with all the different opinions floating around, you'll never know if the people would agree to be fair and neutral.
I feel kinda bad for shutting down when Mum tried to talk to me just now. I mean, I couldn't help it. I just needed for her to chill and let me sort out my thoughts before I could actually tell her straight to her face.

I got rejections from all three Unis I applied to, and I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm kinda in a state of numbness now, I dunno. I feel like I should be crying, but I can't. I feel like I should just let it go, but I can't. I don't know what to feel right now. Because, now, I feel nothing. AT ALL. Sometimes I think whether there's something wrong with me, you know. I can't cry. I thought I almost did just now, but, nope, sorely mistaken.

I know God has a way for me, and Beryl will always be there whenever I need her. We're both on the same boat, and, I should trust in both of them. I have both spiritual and physical support, I mean, what more could I ask for.

I just feel that there's like something wrong with this picture of me typing this message. I mean, shouldn't I be like, I dunno, dying right now? My future's been ripped out in front of me, and I know a lot of friends that are going happily to their new schools. I think I've hid so much that I don't feel anything at all.

One thing's for certain, sometimes I feel like I'm kinda a loser. (Not even in a good way either). I've never done well for school, only just managed to scrape through mostly. I'm going to get compared to my sibling, my cousins soon enough.

I dunno

I really can't feel anything right now. I don't even know what I'm doing is correct or not. I probably should sleep it off. I know I'm gonna wake up to an empty house tomorrow, and I'll have a lot of time to think. We'll see.

Ciao. :)
I got rejected already. LOLOL. To think that some people are worried about what course to choose when I can't even get anywhere.

Well.....no one understands, and sometimes, I kinda feel like I'm alone. I never thought I'll be depressed over my results, I always told myself not to, but it seems like it just comes naturally. I can't talk to my family about it, they wouldn't understand. They try to help, but it's only going to make it worse. No point making them worry about me as well as my results. They have enough on their plate already. My friends, or what's left of them anyway, have troubles of their own. They couldn't help me even if they tried. (Some wouldn't even try. *sigh*) All alone again.

I gotta trust that God would pave a way for me. I gotta trust in him especially now when everything is against. I gotta pray hard that he thinks I'm good enough to be helped. I just gotta pray that he hears me.
Thought things through. Pretty thoroughly too. I miss my life. The one where I had months where I could go to school and not worry about tests, exams, teachers and parents alike breathing down my neck. I miss my class, my cca, the people that were with me and the ones that still are. I'm lucky to have all that I have. Especially the ones that made the choice to stick by me, even though I know at times that trust and faith was tested.

Sometimes, I can't help wondering what other people think of me. What they say of me behind my back. Aren't you curious, whether good or bad, when someone looks in your direction but quickly turns around pretending to be preoccupied? Or people suddenly laughing for no apparent reason other than sharing a little joke amongst themselves and totally not including you? I hate the feeling of exclusion, and have recently realized that I've been doing that to one too many people. Sorry dears. :( Do what you want others to do to you. Every time I remember talking about someone behind their back, dissing them or even just agreeing with a friend's diss, I feel kinda bad. Nobody wants anyone else to be talking bad about them, even though ignorance is bliss. I would hate for it to happen to me. I, after all, have first hand experience of it all.

I was watching Ruby on the style network recently, and it was showing the advertisement of the episode of her forgetting her whole childhood, and that set me thinking about my own. I'm only like 19 this year, but I can't really remember much in primary school. I remember stuff like what the building was like, the walks I took around the school, the bookshops, new and old. Even some of my class life in pri 6 I still remembered. Other then that, everything is just a blur. I always assumed that I did terrible in my lower primary, causing me to drop from B to D to finally E (in class) But according to my results book, I was doing well, As and Bs, even for chinese. Mummy always said that I was pretty competitive with my friends, and then one day, it all just stopped. She also told me I was bullied, and I came home sad about it, but refused to tell her who. *shakes head* I was exactly who I am now, keeping all my feelings to myself. I supposed i didn't want to get in trouble if my mum did report the person. But was that traumatic enough for me to forget my childhood? Honestly. Even pictures can't really bring back any memories. *sigh*

Gotta go sleep now. I'm supposed to meet Beryl and Chaying at JP to watch Ironman 2 at 2. Lol.

Cheers :D

Labels: Ranting

You know sometimes when you think you know someone prreeetttyy well? And then something happens that kinda blows you away, and you go "Wwwwhhhhaaaa?" Well folks, that's what happened to me today. I've been told so many things so many times that I thought the situation would be still ongoing. Yeah. How wrong was I. Seriously. I have never felt so.....argh....I dunno. I can't really think about it right now. All I wanted to be was a good friend. Or at least present the vague idea of what I thought a friend should be. I never had many friends that stayed with me, all the way until now (and I love all you peeps for it :) ) I never had someone sit me down and listen to my problems, listen to my likes, my dislikes. I just don't think I know anything definitive anymore. I've put so much of myself out there that when I get pushed back, it hurts. It hurts bad.

I don't think I can do it anymore. To do so much for people that I don't think I know anymore. I try so hard. But it's hard. I knew that it would not be easy. I knew that it would be tough. I knew I had to be tough. But there's only so much I can do before I break down. Before I fall and can never pull myself up again. My friends and family are the only important things to me (other than the Man Upstairs of course. :) ). I put everything I have to make it work. But, sometimes it doesn't work out.

It usually never works out.

I'll just stop trying altogether. I can't put up this facade, pretending that everything's always alright. I can't listen to other people's feelings when I'm too busy trying to calm mine.

You know what? Some people I know got it right. They never left anything phase them. Never let anything on the outside hurt their inside. One person once told me not to let other people's actions and feelings affect my mind. She might never know how much her advice means to me, especially since we rarely meet up at all now. But for what it's worth, THANKS. :D

I'm just going to be in the backseat now. Not initiate anything anymore. It just takes too much energy. I'll probably just devote it to job-searching. Anything to keep my mind off what I have inside.

Labels: Ranting

I gotta study for my FTT but it's like so confusing. I'm doing the book and it tells me one thing, but my teacher tells me another??? Weird man.


Speaking of weird, I was watching the Brady Bunch on HBO recently, and to quote a phrase from the movie, it was like, totally, 'far out'. The Brady Bunch are like a whole lot of silly people floating in their own bubble oblivious to the people around them. Funny. Really, on a whole psychotic kind of level. LOLOL