We won today. Against YJC, and lost on Wed, to RJC. Got a chance to get to second round, we must work hard okay? :) Saw GESS people today. LOL. :) Funny how we all joined the same CCA.

I was disappointed with my own performance. I couldn't do anything right. Now, I can't even remember what happened on the court. They were telling me things that I should have remembered, but don't. TOTAL BLANK. Damn disappointed. On the brink of emo-ness. LOL. [Yes, that happens] I will work harder, it's my last chance to prove to my teammates and myself that putting me on the team wasn't a wrong mistake. I can do it. [I hope I can do it.] I need to want it more then they do, but nowadays, all I come up with is a blank. I hate school. I'm starting to hate play ball [which is weird 'cause I'll crave to play] because I can't focus, can't concentrate. End up getting scolded instead.

People think too highly of me, and I end up trying to match their expectations. Jeannette's tall, so she should be able to use her height to intimidate people. Jeannette's big size, so she should be able to use her weight to her advantage. Jeannette never gets angry, 'cause she has a perfect life surrounded by people who understand. Jeannette never gets emo, because she has no reason to. They think wrong. How many times I was actually damn angry whenever something irks me, I keep it aside. How many times have I wannted to beat a few people over in the head, but resisted to do so, and just smiled along because that was the answer they wanted? How many times have I tried my best, but everyone mis-looks my efforts as nothing. I don't need people to care about me as closely as most people do. I just need my space. I need to be able to trust people again. And right now, I'll probably turn insane because of all the emotions cooped up in my brain. I'm probably already halfway there.

My life's far from perfect. I gotta do well in school, piano and basketball.

School: I've been failing since forever. People's been telling me to buck up and study. It's not that I don't study, you've seen me do it. My grades have been depressing ever since the last year. It's amazing that I always managed to scrap pass the promotion criteria. THANK GOD. I've been getting the feeling that I'll never catch up. Especially not after everyone's putting their expections on me.

Piano: Lesser and lesser passion for it. I don't have a talent, I don't have the time. I'm the kind that has to really drill on the pieces before I can do well, and I just couldn't bring my lazy fingers up to do it. It's all mental blockages, and I'm trying my best to climb across.

Basketball: I panic. I don't think. I can't think. I get mental blocks. All the time and effort that magnus, lynn and alicia had put on me has gone to waste. I know that I probably would not be put down in the next match, not after giving such results today. Today, the reason that we lost to yj in the first quarter [by a ball], was probably because of me. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't pay attention, I couldn't focus. I still can't remember exactly what I did today, except that I sucked. I will try my hardest, but sometimes, my hardest isn't enough.

I'm not the kind to share my feelings about anything, so basically I'm alone [physically] in this struggle. I gotta turn to the one person that has never failed me in my life, and know that he'll support me no matter what I do on court or off. People might lose faith in me, but as long as I don't lose faith in HIM, I'll never drown under the pressure. He has helped me through the tough times, he had comforted me when I cried, laughed along when I laughed. God has helped me so many times in my life, I should have turned to him for comfort sooner. MUCH SOONER. But, better late then never.

I was drowing in the water, and you pushed my head down and held it there. When I was mulling over the errors, you picked on them even further. You push me down to push yourself up. That's what I feel. There are some times where I just wanna go: I don't care about what you did, what you didn't do, what you achieved. I want a little me time, and you are not giving me that. I smile and laugh along of course, but none of you actually see the scars that had been marked on me when you do so. You think that since I laugh it off, I'm okay with you dissing me. It's not. You'll probably never know who 'you' are, and most of the other people would probably not know. You might probably make a wild guess and get it all wrong, and then you'll get angry because I said this about you. Funny isn't it? You don't take kindly to people dissing you, but you don't hesitate, you don't even think about what you say, when you come to diss me. I'll never say it to anyone, who 'you' are. It feels much better writing it out. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THEN YOU AND YOURSELF. You live your life according to the expectations that people set for you. Set your own goals, then you'll be fine. Then maybe you'll see what you are doing to ME.

I'll turn up to school with all smiles. I wouldn't let the things on my heart drag people down. I never have. Never will. I wouldn't let my negative thinking come into the way of our last match. I just wouldn't. Tomorrow's another depressing day. Got parent teacher meeting. We'll see how it goes. I've been meeting teachers so many times for my grades that its not a problem for me anymore.

People at school are getting weirder and weirder. I've got classmates that pon lesson and think it's fine. I really don't understand why you hate Ms Liew so much. She isn't exaggerating when she says that you don't turn up for lessons. You really don't. Don't say that's only this week, don't say that you used to come to school. When you turned up for school, she didn't say much didn't she? It's an important year. I know your commitments are great, you have to remain in school for hours on end. It's ironic. When you lived far away, you came to school. Now that you stay very near, you don't. It's not Ms Liew's fault now, it's your attitude. And it's rubbing off on people. I have enough troubles on my own to bother about yours. Especially since you don't [excuse the language] give a damn to what we say. We can say all we want, but you insist on your way. I can't imagine what's gonna happen next. I really hope you look inside yourself and pray to God to ask him to help you. It's not J1 no longer. You can't afford to make these kinds of choices right here, right now. I pray to God that he'll guide you to the right path again. You're my friend and I want the best for you. Please.

I want life to go back where to what it was before. As much as I love my school, love my class, love my second family, they had given me baggage. I never thought I'll cry so much over such a small group of people.

Don't bother talking to me about my post today. I'll smile and say everything's alright, even though it isn't. Most people probably wouldn't even read my blog anyway. They'll go on with their life and not think of their impact on other people.


Tired. Just came back from training. But today's training was much more fun. :)

Got loads of work to do, but falling asleep already. Luckily got no piano tomorrow, if not I'll flip. LOL.

I really hope I get to play on Wed, even if the two centres are there. :) Hope Deepar can make it too. [She betta, or we're screwed.] If he's not gonna put me down tmr, I'm gonna be a photographer for Lynn and the team. LOL. They want to take pictures of everyone, and when we graduate, it'll serve some purpose. LOL. Dunno what she's thinking.

Gotta go do work. *sigh* I'm going crazy.

P.S: I failed my Chem and Phy again. Sianz.

We won today. Against YJC, and lost on Wed, to RJC. Got a chance to get to second round, we must work hard okay? :) Saw GESS people today. LOL. :) Funny how we all joined the same CCA.

I was disappointed with my own performance. I couldn't do anything right. Now, I can't even remember what happened on the court. They were telling me things that I should have remembered, but don't. TOTAL BLANK. Damn disappointed. On the brink of emo-ness. LOL. [Yes, that happens] I will work harder, it's my last chance to prove to my teammates and myself that putting me on the team wasn't a wrong mistake. I can do it. [I hope I can do it.] I need to want it more then they do, but nowadays, all I come up with is a blank. I hate school. I'm starting to hate play ball [which is weird 'cause I'll crave to play] because I can't focus, can't concentrate. End up getting scolded instead.

People think too highly of me, and I end up trying to match their expectations. Jeannette's tall, so she should be able to use her height to intimidate people. Jeannette's big size, so she should be able to use her weight to her advantage. Jeannette never gets angry, 'cause she has a perfect life surrounded by people who understand. Jeannette never gets emo, because she has no reason to. They think wrong. How many times I was actually damn angry whenever something irks me, I keep it aside. How many times have I wannted to beat a few people over in the head, but resisted to do so, and just smiled along because that was the answer they wanted? How many times have I tried my best, but everyone mis-looks my efforts as nothing. I don't need people to care about me as closely as most people do. I just need my space. I need to be able to trust people again. And right now, I'll probably turn insane because of all the emotions cooped up in my brain. I'm probably already halfway there.

My life's far from perfect. I gotta do well in school, piano and basketball.

School: I've been failing since forever. People's been telling me to buck up and study. It's not that I don't study, you've seen me do it. My grades have been depressing ever since the last year. It's amazing that I always managed to scrap pass the promotion criteria. THANK GOD. I've been getting the feeling that I'll never catch up. Especially not after everyone's putting their expections on me.

Piano: Lesser and lesser passion for it. I don't have a talent, I don't have the time. I'm the kind that has to really drill on the pieces before I can do well, and I just couldn't bring my lazy fingers up to do it. It's all mental blockages, and I'm trying my best to climb across.

Basketball: I panic. I don't think. I can't think. I get mental blocks. All the time and effort that magnus, lynn and alicia had put on me has gone to waste. I know that I probably would not be put down in the next match, not after giving such results today. Today, the reason that we lost to yj in the first quarter [by a ball], was probably because of me. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't pay attention, I couldn't focus. I still can't remember exactly what I did today, except that I sucked. I will try my hardest, but sometimes, my hardest isn't enough.

I'm not the kind to share my feelings about anything, so basically I'm alone [physically] in this struggle. I gotta turn to the one person that has never failed me in my life, and know that he'll support me no matter what I do on court or off. People might lose faith in me, but as long as I don't lose faith in HIM, I'll never drown under the pressure. He has helped me through the tough times, he had comforted me when I cried, laughed along when I laughed. God has helped me so many times in my life, I should have turned to him for comfort sooner. MUCH SOONER. But, better late then never.

I was drowing in the water, and you pushed my head down and held it there. When I was mulling over the errors, you picked on them even further. You push me down to push yourself up. That's what I feel. There are some times where I just wanna go: I don't care about what you did, what you didn't do, what you achieved. I want a little me time, and you are not giving me that. I smile and laugh along of course, but none of you actually see the scars that had been marked on me when you do so. You think that since I laugh it off, I'm okay with you dissing me. It's not. You'll probably never know who 'you' are, and most of the other people would probably not know. You might probably make a wild guess and get it all wrong, and then you'll get angry because I said this about you. Funny isn't it? You don't take kindly to people dissing you, but you don't hesitate, you don't even think about what you say, when you come to diss me. I'll never say it to anyone, who 'you' are. It feels much better writing it out. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THEN YOU AND YOURSELF. You live your life according to the expectations that people set for you. Set your own goals, then you'll be fine. Then maybe you'll see what you are doing to ME.

I'll turn up to school with all smiles. I wouldn't let the things on my heart drag people down. I never have. Never will. I wouldn't let my negative thinking come into the way of our last match. I just wouldn't. Tomorrow's another depressing day. Got parent teacher meeting. We'll see how it goes. I've been meeting teachers so many times for my grades that its not a problem for me anymore.

People at school are getting weirder and weirder. I've got classmates that pon lesson and think it's fine. I really don't understand why you hate Ms Liew so much. She isn't exaggerating when she says that you don't turn up for lessons. You really don't. Don't say that's only this week, don't say that you used to come to school. When you turned up for school, she didn't say much didn't she? It's an important year. I know your commitments are great, you have to remain in school for hours on end. It's ironic. When you lived far away, you came to school. Now that you stay very near, you don't. It's not Ms Liew's fault now, it's your attitude. And it's rubbing off on people. I have enough troubles on my own to bother about yours. Especially since you don't [excuse the language] give a damn to what we say. We can say all we want, but you insist on your way. I can't imagine what's gonna happen next. I really hope you look inside yourself and pray to God to ask him to help you. It's not J1 no longer. You can't afford to make these kinds of choices right here, right now. I pray to God that he'll guide you to the right path again. You're my friend and I want the best for you. Please.

I want life to go back where to what it was before. As much as I love my school, love my class, love my second family, they had given me baggage. I never thought I'll cry so much over such a small group of people.

Don't bother talking to me about my post today. I'll smile and say everything's alright, even though it isn't. Most people probably wouldn't even read my blog anyway. They'll go on with their life and not think of their impact on other people.